Julia says, a little exasperated, “We’re getting some dorm room organization containers, maybe for your closet. I’m not sure you’ll be able to fit half of what you’re bringing. I checked, and you’ll have  a fridge and a microwave.”

“Oh, about that, we could really use a toaster oven. I have these TikTok videos saved of all the things we can make with one,” Ally replies.

“Uh, sure. We don’t want you going hungry,” Julia agrees. “I was thinking you’ll need a credit card–”

Ally’s eyes go wide. “Really?”

“Just for emergencies,” Julia answers quickly.

“What about candy emergencies?” Ally asks.  “I think I’m out right now!”

Hunter interjects. “That reminds me, we need to get the oil changed in your car.  And we better get the tires checked. I think you’ll need a new set.” He walks into Ally’s room. “You haven’t  even started packing yet. Do you need boxes?

Ally doesn’t respond.

“Hey, Ally? Ally? Where did you go?” Hunter calls.

Julia replies, “She’s off to her friend’s house. I guess she was serious about the candy emergency!”

Does this conversation sound familiar? If you have teens leaving home, don’t worry, you’ll encounter a version of this.

Being a parent can be one of the most demanding jobs a person will ever have. After years of nurturing and supporting their child, one would think that sending them off to college would be an easy step. But launching your child into their adult life involves new challenges, lots of changes, and usually some intense emotions. Helping a child prepare to leave home for the first time (and I use the word first because there is usually a second and third somewhere along the way) can create more mental stress from things like figuring out the details of their move, ensuring they’ll have the necessities. Then there can be physical stress from packing, driving, and unloading. Finally, don’t forget about the emotions of saying goodbye to your baby. How do you cope with letting go and allowing your child the opportunity to grow into a well-functioning, happy adult?

Time to Engage

Together, take out your journals and write down thoughts on launching your teen.

What do you think will be a challenge? What are some opportunities? What can you prepare for now? Share your views, and be sure to listen.

Ideas for a Successful Launch

Matthew Elias, a licensed therapist, addressed the shifting roles that parents may experience. He noted, “…doing something for our child that they can do on their own can potentially interfere with them developing independence,” and such overparenting “may also send the message that they are incapable” (2019) and undermine their confidence. He advised parents to:

•         Be flexible in their expectations for their child
•         Regulate their own emotions and avoid reactivity in the relationship
•         Stay present and allow their child to solve the problem on their own

         The last one can be a struggle. As a parent, we can usually see the big picture, and we know everything that needs to be done. But even a wise teenager’s perspective is limited by a lack of life experience. Guiding them without doing things for them, knowing how to urge them, is both an opportunity and a challenge at this stage.

         One suggestion is to sit down with your son or daughter and write up a schedule of all that needs to be done. Then, allow them to take responsibility for as much as they can. When this is done in a helpful way, it can empower them to step into adult responsibilities. It’s okay for you to follow through if your teen is getting sidetracked, but resist the temptation to badger them–usually, nagging will backfire. 

Time to Engage

Watch the video together on Launching Your Teen and use your journal to record your impressions. https://youtu.be/u1oQl3WxIDk

What were some helpful ways Sheri Orr offered for parents to communicate with their teens? 

What additional tips can you think of that could promote positive interaction between you and your teen?

Share your thoughts with one another.

Establish Communication

 Establishing new communication patterns with young adult children who have left home is a crucial task that helps maintain the relationship. In the article Nurturing Communication with Your Young Adult by Children and Adults with ADHD (2019), J. Russell Ramsay, Ph.D., an associate professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, suggests having regular check-ins. Though check-ins sound simple, they are an effective way to stay in touch and prevent problems. In the same article, Nancy L. Brown, Ph.D. of the Sutter Palo Alto Medical Foundation, shared several more ideas for parents. For example, when planning family events, keep adult children in mind, be forthcoming about your transition into adulthood with them, and try not to solve your child’s problem when they call (2019). Though this article was written for young adults who have ADHD, the effective communication principles can be applied to most families.

         As parents, having teens living in the home, we’re used to seeing them or at least speaking with them daily. However, once they leave for school, creating a new communication pattern will accomplish two things. First, it will allow the parent and child to feel secure, knowing that they can reach each other. Second, it will help parents respect the new young adult by not calling or texting too much. One idea is to set up a regularly scheduled Sunday evening video chat or texting every other day during the week. Finding an amount of communication that you both feel good about can support their transition into adulthood and maintain a healthy connection. 

How Parents Can Adapt

Matthew Elias also offered another helpful suggestion for parents to manage their anxiety about their child’s departure. He compared this to a pilot staying calm when informing passengers of upcoming turbulence. His article, Launching your teen: 6 tips for parents (2019), offers well-written, thoughtful advice for parents. His insights can help parents with adapting emotionally.

          In her article, 5 Ways to Cope with Empty Nest Syndrome (2020), Amy Morin, LCSW, encourages parents to identify and clarify the roles they’d like to enjoy when their children are gone. She highlights giving thought to roles that provide meaning and purpose. Her advice is helpful for parents who want to be proactive about how they will choose their time.

Opportunity

     Another principle Dr. John Gottman calls enhancing your love map (p. 53) is a way to continue learning about your spouse. This principle is based on the idea that to love someone is to know them. The more we understand our spouse, the more we can show our love for them. While updating love maps is necessary for any ongoing relationship, entering a new stage of life is an excellent opportunity to get to know each other all over again. It can be as simple as paying attention to what worries your spouse or responding well when they say they want to try something new. Or you can make it more purposeful by playing 20 questions or similar getting-to-know- you activities. Several are found in Chapter 4 of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Learning more about each other can create loving feelings and spark attraction, much like it did when you first met. 

Time to Engage

Check out this video that addresses both communication and adapting, Strategies to Cope with “Empty Nest Syndrome” after children have flown the coop. https://youtu.be/ZCfDTzoOR-U

What are the positives that they mentioned for parents to discover? What are things that you and your spouse are excited to do when you are on your own again?

Share your thoughts with one another.

Additional Resources

 Check out these videos:

 David Kozlowski gives a Tedx that helps parents be proactive in building their relationship from the start so they have a stronger foundation that can withstand transitions such as leaving for college.

 Be a better parent by partnering with your teen https://youtu.be/uzhmBDrB8E4 

 Dave Ramsey offers advice to a father on how he can give the final nudge on learning financial responsibility for his four boys (2 in high school and 2 in college).

 How do I teach my teens responsibility with money? https://youtu.be/5_oYZAzwoIo 

References

DaveRamseyShow. (2019, April 13). How do I teach my teens responsibility with money? YouTube. Retrieved November 1, 2021, from https://www.youtube.com/v/5_oYZAzwoIo.

Dweck, C. S. (2016). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Ballantine Books.

Elias, M. (2019, August 27). Launching your teen: 6 tips for parents. Guilford Family Counseling. Retrieved October 9, 2021, from https://guilfordfamilycounseling.com/launching/.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.

How to financially prepare your children before they leave the nest. Diversyfund. (2020, February 5). Retrieved October 9, 2021, from https://diversyfund.com/blog/how-to-financially-prepare-your-children-before-they-leave-the-nest/?utm_source=www.google.com%2F.

Karp, D. A., Holmstrom, L. L., & Gray, P. S. (2004). Of roots and wings: Letting go of the college-bound child. Symbolic Interaction, 27(3), 357–382. https://doi.org/10.1525/si.2004.27.3.357

Kozlowski, D. (2019, December 5). Be a better parent by partnering with your teen. Youtube. Retrieved November 1, 2021, from https://youtu.be/coRbsXy4dVU.

Morin, A. (2020, September 17). 5 strategies for coping with sadness due to empty nest syndrome. Verywell Family. Retrieved October 9, 2021, from https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-cope-with-empty-nest-syndrome-4163133.

Nurturing communication with your young adult. CHADD. (2019, January 21). Retrieved October 9, 2021, from https://chadd.org/adhd-weekly/nurturing-communication-with-your-young-adult/.

Smith, S. R., & Hamon, R. R. (2017). Exploring family theories. Oxford University Press.

Orr, S. (2020, December 17). Launching Your Teen. YouTube. Retrieved November 1, 2021, from https://youtu.be/nZnLLaTtAhU.

The Morning Blend. (2019, August 23). Strategies to cope with “Empty nest syndrome” – youtube. Youtube. Retrieved November 1, 2021, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCfDTzoOR-U?modestbranding=1.