Lesson Four
Caregiving
Spouses and Children
In Sickness and in Health
Julia finally finds a pediatrician accepting new patients, and at their first visit, she mentions Ally’s headaches. Julia doesn’t expect what the doctor tells her next: “Here’s the name of a specialist I’d like her to see.” On the drive home, Ally asks why she needs to see another doctor, and Julia does her best to answer without sounding overly concerned. She’s also making a mental note to check their new health insurance coverage. Is the specialist in or out of network? And how high is their deductible?
Some illnesses show up suddenly, and others build over time. Some are minor grievances that can be managed, while other conditions can cause disability and threaten you or your loved one’s life. In those moments, the world goes distant, and you want to do anything to help your loved one. Supporting a spouse with a chronic illness or coping with a child’s new diagnosis can strain relationships, but there are steps couples can take to draw closer together.
“When you accompany your spouse, you show support, and you’re also providing practical help by remembering and making sense of what the doctor explains.”
Supporting a Spouse
With Health Challenges
Essential tools for keeping your relationship strong in the face of a chronic illness
- Communicate. We’ve said this before, but in this situation, the key is finding a balance between always talking about the illness or never talking about it–either extreme will spell trouble. Instead, share what is worrisome about the illness, and remember to talk about other parts of life, too (Bruno, 2012). One way to do this is to learn how to state your needs instead of venting emotions. Spouses can respond better to needs when they are stated clearly.
- Strengthen Social Connections. If the illness is interfering with your ability to connect with friends, try some creative solutions. Phone or skype when in-person visits aren’t possible. Going out with friends may need to change to having friends over for a shorter time.
- Prize each other. Remember how you met or what drew you to each other. Opportunity: Another principle encouraged by Dr. Gottman is for couples to cultivate fondness and admiration (2017) in their relationship. While cultivating good feelings is essential to do at any time, focusing on fondness and admiration can buffer some of the stress when coping with an illness. Consider writing notes, planning a special date, or making a list of what you treasure about your spouse.
More on how to support a spouse
- Get informed. Understanding an illness and having up-to-date information about treatment options will help both you and your spouse cope with what you’re experiencing.
- Talk to doctors together. It’s hard to understand and remember everything a doctor may say in a short consultation. When you accompany your spouse, you show support, and you’re also providing practical help by remembering and making sense of what the doctor explains.
- Accept help (Johns Hopkins, 2021). Allowing a friend or neighbor to do something for you and your spouse might be the most challenging skill of all. Self-reliance is an admirable trait in many areas of our lives, but accepting a home-cooked meal, a mowed-lawn, or any other kindnesses during times of stress like hospitalizations, chemotherapy treatments, or dialysis can be thought of as part of the treatment to get well. There are no extra points for navigating an illness by oneself. On the contrary, when you accept help, you can form or strengthen a bond that can last a lifetime.
- Look after your own health. Caring for a spouse doesn’t make you immune to stress or illness. Wives especially take on numerous caregiving roles and have an increased need to manage their health (Polenick et al., 2019).
Time to Engage
Use your notebook or journal to write some thoughts as you read the above scenarios.
Of the suggestions above, write down what you’re already doing. You could also think of a time when you witnessed another couple pull together during an illness. What are some strengths you observed?
Next, choose one or two suggestions you can begin doing if your family is coping with health challenges.
Read on to learn more.
Caring for Children
With Health Challenges
Many approaches to support an ill spouse are the same for parents coping with a child’s diagnosis. Learning about the illness, talking with doctors together when possible, and accepting help will empower a couple to care for their sick child. It’s okay to grieve the loss of health, and it’s important to reach out to family or friends you can trust. They may be wondering what they can do, and it’s okay to ask for a listening ear.
Maura and Brack McNamara explained how their partnership grew and changed when caring for their daughter. In their words:
“The biggest stressor on our relationship is fear of the unknown. Our daughter’s medical issues have changed us as individuals, and our partnership has needed to grow and change along with it. We approach every part of Ellery’s medical care as a team, even though that requires a lot of difficult communication at times. We discuss strategies, possible outcomes and come up with a plan. Plans can change at any minute and we have to be flexible with each other and Ellery’s care. We realized that with all this consuming us, we sometimes need to take a step back and spend time laughing with each other and talking about “normal” things” (Barker, 2021).
Read more stories like theirs at Relationship talks: Staying together through a child’s Illness
Take A Look
How to Process Your Child’s Diagnosis
Consider:
What did you learn from the experiences that were shared?
Ask Each Other
What will we do differently, based on what we have learned?
The Takeaway
Amid the stress that comes with employment changes, moving, and health challenges, there are many opportunities to turn towards your spouse, allow them to influence you, and look for the good things you admire and appreciate. Some changes can be exciting, and others, like job loss or illness, can bring worry and fear, but when you choose to support each other, you can become stronger as you face your challenges together.
Additional Resources
https://www.familytoday.com/family/5-ways-to-cope-with-a-childs-diagnosis/
If Someone You Know Is Sick – WATCH THIS | by Jay Shetty
https://answers.childrenshospital.org/relationship-child-illness/
Share with each other:
What did you learn? What tips did you find helpful? Did you think of any of your own?
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References
Barker, J. (2021, July 21). Relationship talks: Staying together through a child’s illness. Boston Children’s Answers. Retrieved October 18, 2021, from https://answers.childrenshospital.org/relationship-child-illness/.
Bruno, K. (2012, November 22). Chronic illness in relationships: Communication, intimacy, and more. WebMD. Retrieved October 18, 2021, from https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/chronic-illness-seven-relationship-tips.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Johns Hopkins Medicine. (2021). Supporting a spouse through a Health Challenge. Johns Hopkins Medicine. Retrieved October 18, 2021, from https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/supporting-a-spouse-through-a-health-challenge.
Polenick, C. A., Birditt, K. S., Turkelson, A., Bugajski, B. C., & Kales, H. C. (2019). Discordant chronic conditions and depressive symptoms: Longitudinal associations among middle-aged and older couples. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 76(3), 451–460. https://doi.org/10.1093/geronb/gbz137