“Achieving a balance between the advantages and disadvantages of the lifestyle appears to be the overriding concern of most dual-career couples.”

 (Skinner, 1980)

Adapting to New Employment

Hunter and Julia will be starting jobs in a new state. Though it’s an exciting time, here are changes they can expect, followed by ideas and guiding tips on how their family can find balance. 

Career changes can be an opportunity for learning and growth. Often, working with new people allows you to share the knowledge you’ve gained in your field. But starting new jobs and even receiving a promotion can affect the entire family. Career changes in the office also mean lifestyle changes within the home. Helping your family adjust to this kind of change may take work but can also be a way to pull together.

Hunter’s commute is longer, so maybe someone else can mow the lawn on Wednesday afternoon?

Julia’s schedule has shifted from midday and evenings to early mornings. Everyone will be home for dinner, but Julia will be going to bed much earlier.

Now that Hunter and Julie have new routines, maybe the family can work together to create a shopping list over the weekend, and Hunter and Ally can do the grocery shopping on Mondays after school and work?

Time to Engage

Take out those journals and write down your thoughts on career changes and how it could affect your marriage.

Share with your views and be sure to really listen to your spouse.

Here are a few ways that you and your spouse can help each other and your family ease into the new schedules:

• Get together to discuss the change. Make a list of all the priorities such as school carpools, sports activities, book club, etc., that need to be addressed. Is there anything that can be eliminated? Is there a way to simplify the schedule?
• Communicate availability. Make sure everyone knows the schedule. Be specific about days, times, and events. Setting up a family calendar (such as Google) for everyone to view from their phones can be helpful.
• Reassign tasks. Take a look at weekly tasks such as carpools, grocery shopping, helping with homework, making dinner, taking out the garbage, walking the dog. Reassign the family members who can handle these chores according to who is home each day.
• Ask for help. Maybe there is a friend who can carpool one day a week. Maybe grandma can watch the kids once a month for a much-needed date night. Recruiting friends and family will allow you and your spouse to have fun, relieve some stress, and stay connected.

Couples have different weaknesses and strengths. Together we can support one another in times that require life adjustments, such as career changes.

Consider:

What are your strengths that can help your spouse? 

And what are your spouse’s strengths that are helpful to you?

House + Love = Home

Give everyone time to process the news

• A family meeting is a great way to share the relocation announcement and allow time for questions.
• Be prepared with information. Websites can showcase the new home, schools, community, church building, and place of business.
• Visit the new house, if possible, before the move.
• Listen to your spouse and children’s concerns.
• Above all, remain POSITIVE. Your family will sense and respond to your feelings about the relocation. It’s okay to have mixed feelings, but seeing the good and acknowledging the opportunities can ease anxiety.

Get everyone involved

• Work with your spouse to begin purging what doesn’t need to move with you. For example, Family Home Evening activities could be centered around minute-to- win-it purge challenges with the kids.
• Assign responsibilities to each family member. Having a sense of responsibility in a situation can help others feel included.
• Don’t forget to say goodbye! Allow your family time to visit friends and family they will be leaving. A farewell or going away party can celebrate this amazing new family adventure.

Turn your new house into a home

• Take a trip around the new town. Show everyone where you will be working, attending school and church, and any cool attractions. Is there a mall? Or a small city center? Are there parks or places to hike?  What about pools, rock climbing facilities, mini-golf, laser tag, escape rooms?
• Have fun designing your new place. With your spouse, decide on a bedroom color. Let your kids pick out the paint color for their rooms. Let them decide on furniture placement, too, so they feel like they have created their own space (5 Tips, n.d.).
• Get involved. Every community needs volunteers. Maybe the school is having a carnival fundraiser. Perhaps the local food bank needs donations or helping hands. Find an opportunity that fits your family’s schedule and works with the age of your children. Serving is a great way to make memories and feel a part of the new area. 

Opportunity: Buying, furnishing, and setting up a new home requires many decisions. Couples can find themselves confronted with dozens of options when considering location, price, and floorplans, not to mention where to put their belongings or if new furnishings are needed. It can be exciting, but negotiating in a way where both feel good about the outcome takes patience and practice. Moving and setting up a shared home is a time when Dr. Gottman’s principle to let your partner influence you can help the move go smoothly and strengthen your relationship. Allowing influence involves being partners in the decision-making, respecting and honoring each other’s opinions and feelings, and, as Dr. Gottman puts it—being willing to “share the driver’s seat” (p. 116).

Why is this such an important principle? From Gottman’s research, we learn, “…even in the first few months of marriage, men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives’ influence” (p. 116). The statistics are clear, “when a man* is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct” (p. 116). *Women also need to allow influence. However, the data show that women already allow their partners to influence their decisions on this particular topic. Some ways to practice this principle include listening to each other’s opinions, seeking common ground, and working to make sure both feel good about the decision.  

Time to Engage

Watch the video together on Helping Your Children Adjust to Change and use your journal to record your impressions. 

What were helpful ways these families embraced change? 

What additional tips can you think of that could promote your family’s well-being during a similar transition?

Share your thoughts with one another.

Memory

I (Wilson, here) still remember being 8 years old and my parents telling me we were moving because my dad had gotten a new job in another town. I had grown up my whole life in the place I called home (not to mention it was 10 minutes from Disneyland and my extended family) so you can imagine how eager I was to leave. My parents took me to the new place a few times, I picked out paint colors for my room and discovered my new home had a pool. This gave me the opportunity to get excited about the new adventure we were about to have. We also threw a goodbye party and that allowed me to get in all the hugs and goodbyes that I needed. 

Additional Resources

Check out this Tedx.  What do you think about his message on seeking balance in work and family life?

The Fallacy of the Work/Life Balance by Michael Walters

Consider: How do you and your spouse seek balance between work and family life? What are tips you learned about from this video?

Here’s a website RaisingChildren.net.au packed with helpful information on “work/balance tips for you and your family.” I especially like how it has customizable tabs for what stage of life you’re in, whether it be raising preschoolers, children with disabilities, or teens about to leave the nest. 

Work Life Balance Tips for You and Your Family 

References

5 tips for a family relocation. 5 Tips for a Family Relocation. (n.d.). Retrieved October 15, 2021, from https://premierevanlines.com/blog/5-tips-family-relocation 

Akos, P., & Galassi, J. P. (2004). Middle and High School Transitions as Viewed by Students, Parents, and Teachers. Professional School Counseling, 7(4), 212–221. 

http://www.jstor.org/stable/42732584

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. 

Skinner, D. A. (1980). Dual-Career Family Stress and Coping: A Literature Review. Family Relations, 29(4), 473–481. https://doi.org/10.2307/584461

Walters, M. (2017, April). The Fallacy of the Work/Life Balance/Michael Walters/TEDxGustavusAdolphusCollege. https://youtu.be/hJIkgFn2efc 

Work-life balance: Tips for you and your family. Raising Children Network. (2021, July 27). Retrieved October 22, 2021, from https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/work-child-care/worklife-balance/work-life-balance.