Lesson ONe
Money Matters
Part One: Handling Financial Losses
Handling Financial Losses
Your boss announces that the yearly bonuses are delayed.
Your daughter calls to tell you her school’s tuition has gone up.
Your wife calls from the kitchen—the dishwasher has stopped working–again.
Your husband is sifting through the mail and holds up the property tax bill—it’s much higher than last year.
Time to Engage
Grab your notebook or journal. Jot down feelings or reactions you had as you read the above scenarios. Share your thoughts with your spouse. Did you think of the situations as problems or opportunities?
Life happens, and it can get overwhelming when all the routine daily decisions include money matters. Couples are faced with choosing financial priorities, figuring out how much to save and when it’s okay to spend, and how to make ends meet. Even deciding what to do with unexpected money can test a relationship.
Yet, it’s possible to navigate financial ups and downs and still grow stronger together.
Read on to learn more.
Financial Losses–Problem or Possibility?
Many couples will experience financial losses throughout their marriage. Job loss, pay decreases, medical bills, property loss, bankruptcy, or family-owned businesses closing their doors are just a few examples. The list could go on. And it seems like financial losses can happen at the worst times. For example, a daughter breaks her arm, the washing machine springs a leak and floods the laundry room, and when you get to work, you learn overtime pay isn’t available until further notice.
When couples deal with financial loss, they can experience feelings of defeat and hopelessness, anxiety and depression, and the toxic combination of impatience and anger. Arguments over money are usually about more than money. If spouses don’t have shared dreams or goals, or if one or both have been engaging in some form of financial infidelity—where they start hiding purchases or trust has been broken in other areas—money fights can be painful and confusing. It is no wonder that stress can lead to poor health and even divorce (Cruze, 2021). Yes, financial strain can eventually lead to divorce if not addressed.
The problems are easy to spot.
What about the possibilities?
For couples, challenges can be an opportunity to turn towards each other (Gottman, 2015), focus on each other’s strengths, and rely on sound financial principles.
A Few Words
to introduce
Dr. Gottman
It’s quick!
“You make time for the important things- the vet, the kids soccer games, the dentist, the in-laws. Setting and keeping a date to talk finances is just as critical as almost anything you do.” Dayana Yochim
“If you want to stay married, talk about money.”
Dayana Yochim
“Conversational ground rules sound overly formal. But studies among couples show that having rules in place helps keep money conversations from devolving into a bicker fest.”
Dayana Yochim
Ask Each Other
How can we safeguard ourselves and our marriages from financial landmines?
- Acknowledge each other’s weaknesses and strengths. This requires time to understand what the other is experiencing and COMMUNICATING.
- Share a joint bank account and combine incomes. Separate accounts encourage individual spending interests, while joint accounts encourage a united partnership in making financial decisions even when it’s for the benefit of just one spouse.
- Create a budget together. Schedule a monthly meeting (once the kids are in bed) or have a date night that includes budget planning over pizookies and ice cream.
- Learn your financial limitations. Knowledge is power, and understanding your income, expenses, and what you can and can’t afford helps you stay in control.
- Set goals as a couple. Some examples include:
o Chip away at debt
o Consolidate credit cards
o Sell a vehicle if the monthly payment is too high
o Refinance your home for a lower interest rate
- Follow-up on your next date night or couple meeting. Managing household income is more like a marathon than a sprint. Checking in and making course corrections can help you be prepared for whatever life throws at you. Be sure and revisit:
o Expectations you set together
o Goals that might need to be adjusted
o How you are feeling about your progress
The importance of financial discussions can’t be stressed enough.
But what if talking about the bills leads to another fight or power struggle where you can’t solve the problem, and you feel worse than when you started?
Consider this:
It’s essential to set boundaries when preparing for a couple’s counsel so that each partner knows what is acceptable and what is not.
Ground rules:
#1 Agree to try
#2 Accept equal responsibility
#3 Don’t play the blame game
#4 Be honest and realistic about your financial situation
#5 Don’t forget to breathe.
Because “money is more closely tied to underlying relational processes, such as power, touching many aspects of individual and couple functioning or feelings of self-worth or self-esteem” (Papp et al., 2009), it’s important to get to the heart of what drives our money behavior. Here’s an activity to learn more about yourself and your spouse.
“We have all these money scripts clanking around in our subconscious, driving all of our behaviors and when you see a couple in conflict, basically, they have conflicting money scripts,” says Klontz (Manning-Schaffel, 2020).
“I ask couples to sit facing each other, then I have them talk about what it was like for them growing up around money. What beliefs did your parents teach you around money? What are your biggest financial fears? What is your biggest financial goal? What was your socioeconomic status in childhood and how did you feel about it? That one underlies a lot of conflict around money” (Manning-Schaffel, 2020). By taking the time to talk and listen, a couple can understand their money mindset more deeply.
Time to Engage
Try this activity using these questions for a discussion without phones or distractions. Or use your notebook to record your answers. Ask yourself and your spouse the following questions:
What did your parents teach you about money?
What scares you about money?
How did you feel about your socioeconomic status growing up?
Take A Look
Tips for dealing with financial gains and losses.
“How to balance marriage and finances” (CNBC, 2021)
How to balance marriage and finances Start: 0:09 End: 1:40
Share with each other:
What did you learn? What tips could you implement?
Tips for coping with job loss.
“Coping with Job Loss” (PsychHub)
Consider:
This video had a focus on individuals, but how can it help couples?
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References
CNBC Television. (2021, January 5). How to balance marriage and finances. YouTube. https://youtu.be/3_We8-265Rc
Cruze, R. (2021, September 27). 7 steps to stop fighting over money. Ramsey Solutions. Retrieved October 6, 2021, from https://www.ramseysolutions.com/relationships/how-to-put-an-end-to-money-arguments
Falconier, M. K., & Epstein, N. B. (2011). Couples Experiencing Financial Strain: What We Know and What We Can Do. Family Relations, 60(3), 303–317. http://www.jstor.org/stable/41236768
Family finances. BYUtv. (n.d.). Retrieved October 11, 2021, from https://www.byutv.org/player/b3d966f0-c737-4dd4-823d-882c42d919e6?fbclid=IwAR0WT6MeHJEtEDmNLeJpgA-z_nkuXqTRD6ma2fHn2RWgHV4ELK5UxtSJaWE
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Jewison, N. (1971). Fiddler on the roof. United Artists.
Manning-Schaffel, V. (2020, February 14). Do you have a financially fit marriage? ask yourself these questions. NBCNews.com. Retrieved October 11, 2021, from https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/do-you-have-financially-fit-marriage-ask-yourself-these-questions-ncna1136991
(n.d.). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved October 13, 2021, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/finances/one-for-the-money-guide-to-family-finance?lang=eng
Papp, L. M., Cummings, E. M., & Goeke-Morey, M. C. (2009). For Richer, for Poorer: Money as a Topic of Marital Conflict in the Home. Family Relations, 58(1), 91–103. http://www.jstor.org/stable/20456839
Parry, T. (n.d.). Marriage and Money: A Mini-Course on Family Finance. [Video Transcript]. BYU-Idaho. https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vRqHNZ6FRdEw_p02sIUBZHF7V80MFpOIzdYNnP3DitrkDpKDJKyWudnFyfu6YQPEq2AIVWRUpNu8yFt/pub
Psych Hub. (2020, April 15). Coping with job loss. YouTube. https://youtu.be/ZirKYXBmtRw
Warden, LeRoy. (2020, December 18). Avoid financial stress in your relationship. YouTube. https://youtu.be/2zpYxmT8IAA
Yochim, D. (2008, April 25). How-to guide: Manage money with your mate. The Motley Fool. Retrieved October 6, 2021, from https://www.fool.com/personal-finance/how-to-guide-manage-money-with-your-mate.aspx.