Lesson Two
Money Matters
Part Two: Handling Financial Gains
Handling Financial Gains
You and your spouse still haven’t decided what to do with the tax return.
You’ve inherited your grandfather’s gun collection, and you’re thinking about selling it.
You’re closing on your home refi loan, which will free up extra cash.
You’re the fifth caller and win a thousand dollars from your local radio station.
Time to Engage
Use your notebook or journal to write some thoughts as you read the above scenarios.
Was it hard to think about what to do with unexpected income?
Or did you know exactly what you wanted to do?
Did you think of the situations as problems or opportunities?
Share your thoughts with your spouse.
Read on to learn more.
“…money is symbolic of many emotional needs–such as safety and power–and goes to the core of our individual value systems” (Gottman, 2015, p. 207).
Financial Gains
Problem or Possibility?
In Fiddler on the Roof, when Perchik said, “Money is the world’s curse,” we all remember Tevye’s reply: “May the Lord smite me with it. And may I never recover” (Jewison, 1971).
More money isn’t usually thought of as a problem. On the contrary, it’s often the goal of many couples–to earn or have more money so they can realize their dreams, be they RV vacations, running a B &B, or visiting Machu Picchu. So, if having more money is the goal that serves as the means to an oft-dreamed about end, why do some unexpected windfalls create tension or discord? How can having “extra” money be a problem? Is it that hard to decide how to spend a windfall?
Large or even unexpected small sums can trigger a fight because of the meaning each spouse attaches to money. Think about what you learned in the money-scripts exercise in Lesson One.
Ask Each Other
What can we do to prepare and cope with financial gain?
The same sound principles that help a couple manage their everyday money are the same principles that can help them avoid conflict and make good decisions about increases–especially the surprising kind. Here are a few to consider:
- Examine your shared values and goals (Parry, n.d.). Take time to think about what you value–not what you think you should value–but what is most meaningful to you. Jot down three to five values and compare them to your financial goals. Then compare notes with your spouse. See if you can find shared values and goals to work on together. The more time you spend identifying and clarifying your values and aligning your goals to them, the less time you will spend in the future worrying over financial decisions.
- Keep the line of communication open. It can be the “budget date night” (Cruze, 2021) mentioned in Lesson One, or a system of your own for talking about money, bills, and goals. Do what works best for the two of you to stay connected.
- Have a waiting period of a few days to a few months. Choose not to spend unexpected income for an agreed-upon amount of time. Waiting even forty-eight hours can prevent impulsive decisions and regrets. Learn to H.A.L.T. Don’t make a purchase if you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (Family Finances, n.d.). This technique is great for any kind of spending, not just when you have some extra money in your wallet.
- Consult a trusted financial advisor. If you and your spouse are at an impasse, resist the urge to talk to family and friends to gain informal support for what you think is the best course of action. Instead, choose a financial advisor that can be objective about the benefits of different financial choices.
“Some couples may reduce financial and marital strain by consulting with a financial counselor and improving their joint financial management, but others with adequate financial skills may benefit more from couple therapy focused on understanding each other’s financial strain and finding more effective ways of coping individually and as a couple with their strain.” (Falconier, 2011, p. 303).
Take A Look
How do real couples decide what to do with unexpected income? Check out this story of Brian and Jeanette Beverly. Jeanette was a contestant on a game show—and won! Her success is only the beginning of the story. She and Brian had some decisions to make. Begin watching at the 16-minute mark until the 29:14-minute mark. Notice how they handled their differences and honored their values.
What Would You Do with Game Show Winnings?
Time to Engage
Ask each other or record in your notebook—How did the couple handle their winnings?
What opportunities did this situation present for them?
How would you and your spouse handle something like winning a game show?
As you finish Part Two of Money Matters: Handling Financial Gains and Losses
Ask Each Other
What will we do differently, based on what we have learned?
The Takeaway
Were you able to identify some themes of Part One and Part Two that were important to dealing with financial loss and financial gains? Did COMMUNICATION come to mind? Open and honest communication is vital for couples to learn and compromise. And it’s the foundation of the other tools discussed in these lessons.
When tackling financial changes, couples must identify the stressors, seek to understand one another’s values, create combined goals, chip away at debt, set savings goals, and find enjoyable ways to spend their money together. All of these tools require communication. Remember, any financial challenges you face are an opportunity to turn toward each other and grow stronger together.
Additional Resources
One for the Money – Marvin J. Ashton
Avoid Financial Stress in Your Relationship
Share with each other:
What did you learn? What tips did you find helpful? Did you think of any of your own?
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References
CNBC Television. (2021, January 5). How to balance marriage and finances. YouTube. https://youtu.be/3_We8-265Rc
Cruze, R. (2021, September 27). 7 steps to stop fighting over money. Ramsey Solutions. Retrieved October 6, 2021, from https://www.ramseysolutions.com/relationships/how-to-put-an-end-to-money-arguments
Falconier, M. K., & Epstein, N. B. (2011). Couples Experiencing Financial Strain: What We Know and What We Can Do. Family Relations, 60(3), 303–317. http://www.jstor.org/stable/41236768
Family finances. BYUtv. (n.d.). Retrieved October 11, 2021, from https://www.byutv.org/player/b3d966f0-c737-4dd4-823d-882c42d919e6?fbclid=IwAR0WT6MeHJEtEDmNLeJpgA-z_nkuXqTRD6ma2fHn2RWgHV4ELK5UxtSJaWE
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Jewison, N. (1971). Fiddler on the roof. United Artists.
Manning-Schaffel, V. (2020, February 14). Do you have a financially fit marriage? ask yourself these questions. NBCNews.com. Retrieved October 11, 2021, from https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/do-you-have-financially-fit-marriage-ask-yourself-these-questions-ncna1136991
(n.d.). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved October 13, 2021, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/finances/one-for-the-money-guide-to-family-finance?lang=eng
Papp, L. M., Cummings, E. M., & Goeke-Morey, M. C. (2009). For Richer, for Poorer: Money as a Topic of Marital Conflict in the Home. Family Relations, 58(1), 91–103. http://www.jstor.org/stable/20456839
Parry, T. (n.d.). Marriage and Money: A Mini-Course on Family Finance. [Video Transcript]. BYU-Idaho. https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vRqHNZ6FRdEw_p02sIUBZHF7V80MFpOIzdYNnP3DitrkDpKDJKyWudnFyfu6YQPEq2AIVWRUpNu8yFt/pub
Psych Hub. (2020, April 15). Coping with job loss. YouTube. https://youtu.be/ZirKYXBmtRw
Warden, LeRoy. (2020, December 18). Avoid financial stress in your relationship. YouTube. https://youtu.be/2zpYxmT8IAA
Yochim, D. (2008, April 25). How-to guide: Manage money with your mate. The Motley Fool. Retrieved October 6, 2021, from https://www.fool.com/personal-finance/how-to-guide-manage-money-with-your-mate.aspx.